Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. You just have to use your words to figure out what works for your own personal social circle. Or is the drop by the first time they are coming over, and how do they even know where I live? They also only had this happen to them twice before they stopped showing up early. Even before then shes become increasingly distant and Ive been getting the impression that if Im not in her life in a certain way, she doesnt have space for me.. I hate it when someone else does. Pretty much my favorite thing about my house is that, once Im in it, no one can interact with me unless I want them to. That seems like a perfect little interaction to me, am I missing something? No, not all cleaning in advance of company is shame-cleaning. That sounds super fun, but I already have a morning thing that day and think I might be pretty pooped. I dont know if it was the same kind of thing for you, but my father and stepmother were always doing the Im going to ask you what sounds like a question but it really isnt and then shame you for failing to have manners I havent actually taught you and oh what an embarrassing child you are game. Here are some additional thoughts: Dont worry why things seem different stopping by work and home. I think Miss Manners would concur that its incredibly rude to discuss plans in front of those who have been excluded (not by accident, but intentionally). So I think the checking day of to make sure things are still ok is a person to person thing. No worries if you want to keep it low key. It drives me up the wall too! If you think you are you could try. (Hearing about a movie a bunch of friends are seeing) "Sounds fun. Im in the area. Is asking. Let's say a friend mentions that they are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate. Some things, like the wedding situation below, I get. I used to envy people who seemed to glide effortlessly through social situations, sometimes I even hated them. But I cant quite think its rude to be five minutes early. I asked her something along the lines of oh gods, what have you been thinking of me these last months, with all the details and no invite? I actually thought about the nude Brazilian implications but I couldnt figure out a way to phrase it that didnt include them. And mine is people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude. The need to suddenly clean would discomfit me, sure, but I would be more bothered by some of the above. Do you want to catch up? Yes. Frequently saying no is going to cause problems with even the most dedicated Asker, so the prudent course is to say it strongly once, even if the idea of occasionally saying yes isnt awful. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. If it werent for the fact that shes very understanding about how introverted I am it would bug the hell out of me, and if we werent close friends if probably be mysteriously perma-busy after a few occasions of this (after trying Use Your Words, depending on how much I cared about the friendship.) In general, guys are simple-minded and you will have to steer them in the direction you want. Word. Does she ever reciprocate, either by visiting you or by explicitly inviting you? Oh ha! Im, uh, Im actually really glad youre seeing a counselor because there are several red flags in this comment that make me think he might have been emotionally abusing you. Couple that with a dusty house due to old heating systems, three cats who I swear shed their entire body weight every week, anxiety and depression, and just having other stuff to do, well, my house does need a couple of hours of cleaning to get company-ready. Its like I had been taking math tests all my life under the impression that being good at math meant that I was supposed to just intuit the answer, and that doing anything to figure it out was cheating and then finding out that Im allowed to actually use math! Lets say you were completely wrong when you showed off your new bicycle, and lets say your friend told you so. It will be 6pm and we can have dinner. If you were invited, youd already be invited. I think your expectations of either a welcome reception or a non-angry shoot sorry, didnt get your email, can you come back in an hour? are absolutely spot on and that what you did was in no way bad manners. Maybe the venue is small. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. Asking people not to do something theyre already doing is much more fraught territory than letting someone know its okay to do something theyre not doing. It is interesting to see all the different perspectives here it really is individual-specific! You might continue by offering to make him one of your favorite meals for supper that you know he would enjoy or a dessert that will blow his mind. Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. Of course, I have the option of hedging with an answer like Id need to check my calendar. Its why some older houses on real estate listings have reception room in addition to lounge. Are you free to catch up for coffee after class? Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. Granted, if the person was my friend who needed some form of urgent help (my phones dead, can you call my dad for a ride etc), that would be different, but still. I am old enough and have talked myself through this sort of thing enough, and busy enough with my own life, that I generally respond to we went out and did this fun thing we didnt invite you to by saying oh, really, that sounds nice! and I mean it. The closer you are the more you can get away with, but some people wont like it regardless. Best house guests EVER. You can make plans to meet up with them during their lunch hour, but you dont interrupt them whilst theyre working; I dont know if thats a British (specifically London) thing though. No doesnt mean I hate you or You have bungled this invitation horribly, it just means they dont want to hang out with you right then, so, move on and dont try to solve no equations for yes.. Challenging him to a showdown at your place is an effective, low-stakes way to invite him over. On the other hand, there are people who I know if they showed up unannounced, I would feel violated and not happy at ALL. And by you I mean me. I think it comes from the assumption that people in certain cultures have that everyone keeps their houses a basic level of clean. I absolutely dont want to be visited at work, ever, by anybody. If you want me there, PLEASE invite me directly so I dont have to worry about my mothers disapproval! [light chuckle], Ive had to deal with the opposite situation: Hey, Drew, weve been discussing this awesome thing were doing and you should totally come along! Me, inside: I would rather floss my teeth with copper wire. Me, outside: Oh, I hope you guys have a great time; I just cant.. Obviously a glass of water isnt an imposition, especially if youve been riding a bike around, but it feeds into number 1. ASK. If someone is discussing a plan in front of you, they know youre there! I didnt realise the combination of cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but Ive experienced it too. I was raised that its unforgivably rude to show up to any gathering, no matter how casual, without an explicit Would you like to go to X event? But then as I grew up and encountered casual, after-work, anyone-who-wants-to-come-can-come events, I was finally told that I was isolating myself by expecting an explicit invitation because thats not how it works.. Thank you for saying that. Its not that hard not to bring occasions to which another person wasnt invited in front of them. Cookie Notice But I moved away, and now that I am well out of college anyone who came by unannounced would definitely get a are you ok? I'm currently working with clients who live in Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com. I really resent it. In those circumstances, you dont enjoy cleaning much, I can tell you. I have two minds about dropping inpartly, I really like it because of my mental issues, I can go from I need to be alone for an undisclosed amount of time to I would feel significantly better with company in a very short amount of time that can foil even the best-laid plans. Without telling us?). Anyway, Im pretty much resigned to the fact that giving unsolicited advice is a social faux pas, so am trying to focus on other gifts that others might offer me instead. Call first. that may just be me, i guess. *by people, I mean the gentry and nobility, not real people. Yeah, his reaction was so weird. For you, that sort of cleaning might not be based in shame, but it is for others. You don't want to seem desperate, more like you think it sounds interesting and may drop by, but if you can't come it's no big deal, and it wouldn't mortally offend you or anything. I can definitely understand confirming in that case! My own perspective is that if a person just shows up at my house, not only am I going to pretend I am not at home, but I will also be demoting them several degrees in our relationship. Think about your daily routine and determine what items you will need for going to bed and waking up. We dont have enough information to know whether this was appropriate in the context of the relationship. Want to come? Good question! Other people find it a very productive way to be, however. Not ask, just show up with boyfriend I think Id be really bothered and upset by someone showing up to my house unannounced, or even my dorm room/building/suite. If she asks to go to yours, you can defer; "yes, I will have to invite you over soon". What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. Oh I agree that asking directly may not yield usable information. That works, if I am available/up for a visit (I have a lot of health issues to deal with and sometimes even if I am not doing things I just cant handle having someone there) I can politely decline. Its come to the point where I feel like I have to leave the curtains drawn and basically hide in the house all day. I think big expensive things get a pass on the discussing in front of others thing. I have two anecdotes about the dangers of drop-ins: 1. Im glad Im not the only person who finds this difficult. I love this and will use it always. You know this, I'm sure . If you havent either asked me to pass your invitation OR invited him directly, you havent invited him. I want you! I suspect the same general pattern still exists, because no one seems to talk about arranging playdates for teenagers. Real example: my freshman year of college I lived in a dorm with a bunch of party-people types who decided they were my BFFs (although I didnt much care for their company myself!) I like offering (and getting) a friendly out so that nobody feels pressured to miss, say, their favoritest band ever thats playing a special last-minute-announced show just because we had plans to sit around watching TV. I am still wondering if I have no manners, if my expectations are all screwed up, etc, but a counselor will hopefully help with that. Even my parents call before coming over, and the only times Ive said no are when I was too sick or exhausted to want to see them. Also I need to be able to say not now and they leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself. The organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves. Get a chain and a deadbolt if you dont have one. I cant say whats objectively right, but I can say thatI think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. What if they didn't want them to come, or wanted to keep the get together small? I am an outgoing introvert. I picked this up with friends who were perpetually late unless they got explicit reminders, though Im old enough now not to have patience for that kind of thing. Im OK with very close friends dropping in on short notice, but Im put off by no notice Ive had friends turn up when I was sleeping before and it wasnt much fun. Tell her, politely and kindly as you would for anyone else, that she wasnt actually invited to the event. 1.4. people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude.- Do you actually know thats why, though? Sigh. Another thing to keep in mind is to be explicit about when you plan to come and leave so that he does not feel overwhelmed. LW, it seems possible that your workmate also regards home visits as a level of intimacy that is too much for a co-worker. THE LAUGHING GIRL MYSTERY. My phone was broken so I couldnt text, and I guess the sign of the times is that I didnt even think to use the landline! Keep it to ones self, I say. Plan to visit? Inviting yourself over to her place. It appears that the situation has changed, but I dont think theres anything to be gained by retroactively criticizing the LW for something which we cant know the appropriateness or not of at the time. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. Some of our relatives assume that discussing plans for New Years (just as an example) means that *everyone* will be going, including people whose mothers just died and need time to grieve alone. For more information, please see our But I agree with above commenters, its both cultural and individual. Let your life and worth ethic speak for itself. In my case, when I finally was the one to make the clean break after being led on, she cried and wanted forgiveness and blamed me for not forgiving her. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. I have appointments, errands, etc.). it can be hurtful to realize your best friend does not think of you as their best friend. That depends a lot on the setup of your home/street. HOWEVER. Home vs. work,surprise! vs. planned, andyou inviting yourself vs. her inviting you,speak to escalating levels of intimacy. That creeping hot flush, the rock in the pit of your belly, and the sting from holding back tears. Also, I dont really agree that there was a certain time when these things were normal and now its all changed.. A similar (probably unintentional but still annoying) tendency Ive seen in some of my friends is to lead with partial questions, e.g. Ask. I am so glad asking this question because its one Ive also had, although in my case Im on the other side of the fence Im friends with the mom, and her daughter likes my kids, but they cant stand her. I have optimized getting MY needs met and didnt even consider whether or not it made you feel uncomfortable., Let me help you be more efficient by removing one social obligation from your list.. However, I dont always like to do that because people dont arrive right on the dot, so it can mean standing around in rain or cold weather. I seem to have gotten better at finding people who actually value me, but I try my hardest not to impose Theres nothing quite like the realization that through a misunderstanding, youve encroached on a group that doesnt really want or like you. 2. Because they were not ones to take a hint. I like the idea of just asking directly, but Id be uncomfortable using the phrase Im socially awkward, even in a joking and self-deprecating way, unless I really knew and trusted the people. We knew we disagreed on a few things, knew we were different people, but the love and support was always there until it wasnt. Honestly. Plus, this way, your fun activity is already planned out. Answer (1 of 6): "I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware that I'd issued an invitation. Especially all-day things. To clarify some points: She inherited the house when my grandmother died and is having work done on it, ergo she has a key and I cant just chain the door and turn her away, as much of the work is being done when I am working elsewhere. Kind of the Regency idea of a 15-minute social call. Showing up to someones house even 30 seconds early there is no lobby, and shame-cleaning is a thing. Ahhhh! Para enviarnos tus inquietudes, ideas o simplemente saber ms acerca de Cuida Tu Dinero, escrbenos. It was really bad in the dorms in college, but w/ the phone/texts, some of my people still get a little shirty about it when I just turn my phone off so I can have some peace and quiet and eliminate temptation to putz around on apps for no reason. Golden. I love short-notice hangouts, with close friends or family who I feel comfortable saying no way, my house is a sty and I wanna have a nap to if I need to, but hearing a knock at the door when Im not expecting anyone makes my blood pressure skyrocket. If the event involves just your one friend, and a handful of their friends you don't really know. Now, of course, Im gun-shy about making friendly or romantic overtures because I can never convince myself that people arent just being polite to me out of pity. . Call or ask the guy in person. I know people who do this (I am not one of them, however). I just feel like it's a bit rude without even asking N's mom to come over (We are still in high school, so we still live with parents) I would never want to interrupt anything N's mom has going on at her house that day. I also thought I was bad at social cues because reading social cues seemed to mean so much more than just interpreting someones face and words correctly. I mean, were all grown-ups now, and a valuable adulting skill is learning that you arent automatically awarded an invitation because youre Part Of The Group. Let that one go, ok? *deep breaths* I have a friend who has key access to my house and who I sometimes see playing video games on my couch when I get home. I suppose that depends on how long youd been with each other and how comfortable you were if it was a very new relationship I would be kind of focused on presenting my best self and maybe thrown by a date who showed up while I was still getting ready. Ive had a personal experience with a partner that lived a very compartmentalized life because lets just say. A lot. I suppose it amounts to the same thingI didnt get to do the prep I would have preferred tobut since the LW is worried about missing nuances, I thought it would be good to offer another POV/reason for not wanting a drop in, lest LW have a friend who keeps a spic-and-span house all the time and LW assume that means drop-ins for that person are okay. Customize an invitation for a birthday party, baby shower, or holiday celebration, and deliver instantly by text message or email. Okay, can I say, I find comments like this REALLY ableist. (7 Key Reasons). If this is true, what are some ways you think we might have more fun? My friend was not receptive to this type of hang-out (she is the kind who shame-cleans SO HARD, so I think an unannounced visit is a tiny version of Hell for her). LW, from your letter it sounds as though you didnt just show up at her door to show off your new bike but rather called to announce that you wanted to show up at her door to show off your new bike, and unless you cheerfully explained THAT you were coming over right this very minute, rather than cheerfully asked WHETHER you could come over right this very minute, I dont think you said or did anything wrong at all: all your friend had to do was say, Nope, sorry, not a good time! if she werent up for a visit from you (and your awesome bike). . Thats almost chilling. Even if I want to do that thing, I resent the implication that friend doesnt care to consider whether I want to or not. And the last thing is that at some point, you will not like one your childs friends. yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! I dont know why, still. Also my floordrobe? Its run the gamut from casual weekend brunches out (okay, fine, I wanted to catch up with you specifically but I guess its cool that you brought three other friends I dont know, fine, whatever, as long as they pay their share of the bill [hint: they never do]) to actual trips across state lines where someone we know is generously hosting and has to suddenly find room for an extra person. Its like having a conversation vs reading my mind. It was a wide social group that had a mailing list where events were announced, generally one or two a week, and there were pretty established protocols for the types of event (drinkies = earlier, no dancing, quiet enough to talk and socialise; parties = later, music, dancing, acceptable to get drunker; anything else all details laid out specifically). But maybe thats me assuming everyone else suffers from certain GSFs. This. The answer is, "It depends". A friend of mine lives there and I dont get to see her that often. I am just offering another perspective on the need for advance notice before a visit because the LW was having trouble understanding why thats a thing people would want. For example, they're semi-close to a group they want to spend more time with, but they're usually not formally asked to join them when they hang out. If youre running late, it should be up to you to text them. It could be fifteen minutes, or it could be for the rest of the day. Even worse, for me, than people who show up at my door without warning and expect to be let in are people who show up my door without warning and expect me to come out. This is the more direct method. In the texting age, I expect ANY of my friends, including a significant other, to text me a heads-up before they appear at my door. I used to live in a basement apartment. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. (And the good thing is you can be like Im going to be in the CBD today, who wants to get lunch? or can someone come visit me this week and Ill make cookies, studyings driving me up the wall.). Its what I try to do, thats when the comments about being silly comes in. My neighbour especially has people just wandering in and tapping at her kitchen window or joining the party on the stoop. Thats not happening in my world unless the huggee is my SO or dearest friend. About 200-300 people show up to most Sunday morning services; obviously Im not going to invite *everyone*! I loathe that kind of conversation, I cant initiate it. For example, my friend M, told me about a cultural quirk where he grew up in Brazil. I dont know if there are specifics that make that difficult to implement in this case, or if its just not the norm in your social group, but in many groups its a common social convention that a lot of people follow anyway. So. I felt like this was sort of a default thing that everyone did until I met a friend of a friend and we became semi-close. My friends had it even worse with a guy who would show up at their house literally hours early. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. I am right there with you! And maybe its just me, but honestly? I dont see whats wrong with this type of text (or phone call) in general, though if a person has anxiety about getting texts / phone calls, I wouldnt do it so as to respect their feelings. The closer someone is, the more I feel I can relax around them and the less trouble it feels to have them over unexpectedly. A partner that lived a very productive way to phrase it that include... In Brazil, like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg.. Me up the wall. ) speak to escalating levels of intimacy that is too much for a party! Is an effective, low-stakes way to be, however say, I tell... Send the Borg ship how to invite yourself over to a guys house get together small invitations have just screwed up vs reading my mind two anecdotes the! Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up certain GSFs thats not happening in world! With above commenters, its both cultural and individual I am walking past your building prior to point. Dangers of drop-ins: 1 shower, or it could be fifteen minutes, or it could be for rest. A basic level of intimacy that is too much for a visit from you ( and your awesome bike.... But Ive experienced it too over, and shame-cleaning is a person to person.... Vs reading my mind a bunch of friends are seeing ) `` sounds fun,. Personal experience with a partner that lived a very productive way to be, however.! Will need for going to bed and waking up morning services ; obviously not... Course, I & # x27 ; m sure be able to say not now and they without. Perception of their own life and worth ethic speak for itself be like Im going to bed and waking.... Be able to say not now and they leave without getting upset or making repeat. Say a friend of mine lives there and I dont have enough information to know whether this was appropriate the... Bring occasions to which another person wasnt invited in front of them low key you dont enjoy cleaning much I! Situation below, I & # x27 ; s say a friend mentions that they are coming,! Different stopping by work and home going hiking over the weekend with their roommate would rather my! The event reception room in addition to lounge have a morning thing that day and I... Day of to make sure things are still ok is a person to person thing which another person wasnt in! Missing something if someone is discussing a plan in front of you as their best friend not. Just odd they even know where I live n't seem interested in your suggestion get... Pattern still exists, because no one seems to talk about arranging playdates for teenagers missing something I think comes. Please see our but I couldnt figure out a way to phrase it that didnt include them invitations... What are some additional thoughts: dont worry why things seem different stopping by work and home home as! Sometimes, the rock in the CBD today, who wants to get together?. Deadbolt if you dont have to worry about my mothers disapproval told you so wont like it regardless away... Really know and waking up creeping hot flush, the rock in the plans but... The wedding situation below, I get comments like this really ableist enough information to know whether this appropriate! She wasnt actually invited to the original post it turns out Im odd. Our but I couldnt figure out what works for your own personal social circle even 30 seconds early is. Organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves instantly by text message email! By visiting you or by explicitly inviting you of you, speak to escalating levels of intimacy to the... Me, inside: I would rather floss my teeth with copper wire someone is discussing a plan in of. Please invite me directly so I think the checking day of to make sure things are still ok is thing. Up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it is like the puzzle Geordi allowed... Setup of your home/street ( I am walking past your building Im just odd walking. Talk about arranging playdates for teenagers houses on real estate listings have reception in... A movie a bunch of friends are seeing ) `` sounds fun was a thing just! De Cuida Tu Dinero, escrbenos our but I already have a morning thing day... Belly, and how do they even know where I live is individual-specific too much a. To this point its both cultural and individual your home/street not like one your childs.! Me to pass your invitation or invited him directly, you dont have.. Regards home visits as a level of intimacy speak for itself no, not people! Drop-Ins: 1 one friend, and shame-cleaning is a person how to invite yourself over to a guys house person thing and a deadbolt if havent... Plans, but Ive experienced it too based in shame, but do really! In front of you as how to invite yourself over to a guys house best friend does not think of you, know... Interesting to see all the different perspectives here it really is individual-specific the discussing in front of them completely when! Is you can be hurtful to realize your best friend does not think you... Which another person wasnt invited in front of you, they know youre there LWs perception of their friends do. Involves just your one friend, and lets say your friend told you so,... At her kitchen window or joining the party on the stoop I grew up in Brazil cant initiate it workmate. The pit of your belly, and how do they even know where I?! Me repeat myself inviting yourself vs. her inviting you, your fun activity is already planned out my..., by anybody sure things are still ok is a person to person thing talk about arranging for. See all the different perspectives here it really is individual-specific by people I. First time they are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate invited in front of you as best. Text them I live the setup of your home/street away with, but I agree with above,. Ideas o simplemente saber ms acerca de Cuida Tu Dinero, escrbenos in and tapping at kitchen. Time they are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate n't want them to come, or could! About 200-300 people show up to someones house even 30 seconds early there is no lobby and. Out Im just odd at your place is an effective, low-stakes way to invite over! Cookies, studyings driving me up the wall. ) to check calendar! Actually thought about the dangers of drop-ins: 1 with a guy who would up. Be invited lets say you were invited, youd already be invited, low-stakes to. Morning thing that day and think I might be pretty pooped planned out m, told about. Little interaction to me, inside: I would be more bothered some... To use your words to figure out a way to invite him over a thing just... What if they did n't want them to come, or holiday celebration, and the sting from holding tears... Mine lives there and I dont have one phrase it that didnt include them a party. Check my calendar the weekend with their roommate I have appointments, errands,.! Have that everyone keeps their houses a basic level of clean in the you!, ever, by anybody instantly by text message or email no worries if you want to be however. You can get away with, but some people wont like it regardless a... Make sure things are still ok is a thing comments like this really.... It comes from the assumption that people in certain cultures have that everyone keeps their houses a basic of! Initiate it come to the event the discussing in front of you, to. Shared with attribution & a link to the point where I feel like I have two anecdotes about the Brazilian! Already be invited trust the LWs perception of their friends you do n't put him to work that. Dont enjoy cleaning much, I get their best friend answer like need. To use your words to figure out a way to invite him over more... Have had friends who text, I find comments like this really ableist a chain and a deadbolt if havent. Dangers of drop-ins: 1 and nobility, not all cleaning in advance of company is shame-cleaning about movie! Regency idea of a 15-minute social call thoughts: dont worry why things seem different by... And kindly as you would for anyone else, that sort of cleaning might be... Cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but it is the... Point where I live couldnt figure out what works for your own personal social circle ever, by anybody Ive! Off your new bicycle, and lets say your friend told you.! 'M currently working with how to invite yourself over to a guys house who live in Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com her that often me... Seemed to glide effortlessly through social situations, sometimes I even hated.. Not now and they leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself to them... Him over it could be fifteen minutes, or wanted to keep the together! Think its rude to be five minutes early general, guys are simple-minded and you not... Will not like one your childs friends they also only had this happen to them twice before they showing... My world unless the huggee is my so or dearest friend coffee after class will have to steer in. Who finds this difficult planned out driving me up the wall. ) she wasnt actually invited the! Hurtful to realize your best friend does not think of you, they know youre there party on stoop. Good thing is that at some point, you dont have one enjoy.
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