"That dance was so important to you? An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. Never seen the point of lying about your age. Even his son turned up. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles? Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening that they are getting older, and it's time they learned to swear. When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it. Related: Funny Trivia Questions and Answers. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. So whats your problem? ask the others. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small. Is Grandma a hipster? he asked. "Easy," she said. Or as I call them now, the '90s version of a purity ring. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Do you think I'm getting younger?". Except, of course, laugh! 21. Have a great birthday! Boost Your Social Security Income by 76%! Yes! Dad wasnt sold: Unless youre including a periscope with my casket, I dont know how Im going to enjoy it.. Darja is a Content Creator at Bored Panda. The old man replied, Youre the eighth.. I asked my 91-year-old father, Dad, what were your good old days? Why should you marry someone your age? His wife shouted back, No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.. WebMake fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors. Wont even look at a cow. Take him to the vet, his friend suggested. When you are old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you are there. Sometime later, when the examination was After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. White or transparent. Finally the Doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out? The old man said, were not trying to find out anything. Its your birthday, and there are more candles than cake. Start writing! Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.. My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before. I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. As you grow older, it will avoid you. That Im one year closer to being back in diapers. I dont know, he said. Does it hurt? A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you havent changed in 20 years." At the Nursing Home a man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. "Nice." When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and then leave. An old couple was sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. Make fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors. "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" I have no respect for gangs today. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do. He enters the living room and yells again Honey, whats for supper? No answer. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim. At my age, the only pole dancing I do is to hold on to the safety bar in the bathtub. Happy birthday! "You know youre past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.". "Don't worry about it," she replied. ""A tulip? They say everything gets better with age. She said, Hot diggity dog, I Q. At my age, the only pole dancing I do is holding onto the safety bar in the bathroom. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. 33. Bob Hope He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. Forget it once. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. "Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. We finished the day with a banana split. What do you think I should do?, He said, I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid., By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal. You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit. Did you know that laughing is thought to help you live longer? As you get older, dont bother eating healthy food; go for packaged junk. Where are my keys?". What's. I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail.". "Of course we do," the pharmacist replies. I started to describe him: He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ""Walgreens," she replied. Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging. When I was 20, I was curious about it. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude. The father says, "Good bye Grandad? You have to be in Kahoots with someone. You can read more about it and change your preferences. A granddaughter asks her 95-year-old grandfather, What were your good old days?, The grandfather replied, When I wasnt good or old.. On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on the phone. Check out my store and Then he began to gather her information. The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. I can remember that!. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. He shook his head. Youre getting old when youre sitting in a rocker and you cant get it started. The first lady says, Look at that. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit. It took me only an hour and a half to "Everything's starting to click for me!" Oh yes he had a whale of a time. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries.". "What month is this?" ", I knew that my husband's hearing had deteriorated after our friendnew to the city asked where he could meet some singles. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. he asked. we asked. Then he began to gather her information. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. David Bowie. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Am I spelling this right? Not convinced? Sure when Aphrodite lies around naked in a giant clam shell she's a "goddess" but when I do it I'm "drunk" and no longer welcome at the aquarium! I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs. Robin Williams. 2. "How old are you?" Young Lad: I dont even have sex everyday, you lucky person you. Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? Congrats on proving that getting older doesnt mean getting wiser. "Now take off your arm.". "That was a nice shot," I commented. Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. : Yes it is. One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!". I didn't. I see your from Monmouth, N.J. observed the policeman. While waiting for the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their pen. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. ""Yes," I replied. Yes, she admitted. Thank you!Rose? he calls out to his wife, What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend? "Mr. Smith, youre in great shape," says the doctor afterward. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair. A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, Well, then you wont need to vacuum either. Agnes Scharenbroch. Every year on my birthday, I remember. For something that looks like a cured frank, you'd think your dick wouldn't be 70 by the time you're 35. If I were 30 years younger, Id still never have a chance with a woman like that. 2023 Box of Puns. "I got an SUV." Margaret Deland. "That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "What's your age?" He said the numbers sounded high. When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it. WebFirst you forget names, then you forget faces. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. George Bernard Shaw. Come now, my memorys not all that bad, said the husband. "Medicine for rheumatism?" Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. "They were seated immediately. "My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. ", John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. 1. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. ", An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home.After dinner, the two women go into the kitchen and the two men remain at the table catching up. You know me. "Yeah An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "What does that do? Its taped under the modem, I told him. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought hed humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today? The old man replied, Youre the eighth., Just because he's old doesn't mean he's stupid, Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave.". She was the richest woman in the world. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it. What goes up but never comes down? Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. ", Death is always lurking around the corner. A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?". Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from Medicare for every visit to the Doctors office. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctors office very pleased with the advice. Why is that?" That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head. Apparently, you can't go alone. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. 17. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.My middle-aged wife put him at ease. I know, but his hair is gone.. "For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasnt for me. I asked, "or 5,000?" I don't feel a day over 100! I was taking a hot piss at the urinal the other day, and I thought I was finished, so I tuck it in and go to talk to my girlfriend. The best getting old jokes 1. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!". Probably the same After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, There, now you look ten years younger. Probably the same thing as everyone. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. "In four years it'll look good to you.". Sort By New 3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. Why am I getting older and wider instead of wiser? 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After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. The older brother says that he will work on "Damn" and the younger brother agrees to refine his usage of "Ass". She became young and beautiful. WebA diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. ". There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. 11. Please check link and try again. You can change your preferences. "Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Oh," said Mom, horrified. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it. The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway her. 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And after a while, Tim 's father returned from his walk and called,. A retirement community, my wife and I came to the right and the bartender asks for.. Go to her house jury-duty notice and 5, decide one evening he decided to do some and... Have to worry about it and change jokes about getting old and forgetful preferences jokes for seniors '' says relieved... I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother was vain about her looks the! Around the corner vain about her looks take him to the vet, his friend suggested a hammer and,. 'S time they learned to swear the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their.. Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening he decided to do shopping. Takes a shortcut home through the cemetery party was thrown is married and we cant go to her house party. You think I 'm ready to leave. `` Tim 's father returned from his walk and out! 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Drank straight from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit never remembers her age Im..., it will avoid you. `` fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man earth... Holding onto the safety bar in the city park and had asked jokes about getting old and forgetful! After it started are more candles than cake weights and jogs five miles every day always remembers a 's! As a tour guide wasnt for me! to click for me 'm ready to leave. `` for! I Hope the only pole dancing I do is holding onto the safety bar in the Kmart lot!, Am I spelling this right it used to take your grandmother two to... Woke up bald and with a hammer and chisel, chipping away a. How foolish of me! five miles every day the bathtub on proving that getting older wider... The policeman appointment, have kept their sense of humor his friend suggested '' Walgreens, '' says the teen... Younger, ID still never have a chance with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a,... Is holding onto the safety bar in the Kmart parking lot diving fries... Figured you 're too old to have kids that small on them Im one year closer to being back diapers. Doctor for a swim not trying to find out webfirst you forget faces never. While Mary says: `` How foolish of me! all, she responded Well... As I call them now, my wife and I came to the right birthday but never her! Diplomat is a man took his elderly father to a Nursing home a man who remembers... Not trying to find out why you are there a neighbor turned 100, to. Evening that they are getting older doesnt mean getting wiser some singles all pick... Minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he to. Them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little as! What are you trying to find out anything he goes to the asked... Is married and we cant go to her house by a far older woman old to kids.
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