His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. I hate having family stay over at our house. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. Is it a deal breaker? Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. A lot of family time. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Cue unintelligble grumbling. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. I cant imagine that life! Please see my post below.. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. Bagge72 A picnic in the park? Play frisbee in the park! January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Communication people. I agree with you both. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. 5. Well. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Your problem is thinking you can change him. LW, how about writing back with the details? Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. Laura Hope January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. At least, most of the time. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? a lot of people just arent that way. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. And he was a bore. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Maybe he is making up time for that. I love girls night out. Two things.. Laura Hope LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. It doesnt scream big problem to me. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. I can use a personal example as well. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. You do like to see people you love, right? Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. I married an apron-strings boy like that. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll artsygirl I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. It is what they like to do. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. ForeverYoung Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Eh. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. I know many families like this. Gah what is that. or just dinner? tbrucemom She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. That was seven years ago. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Bklyn Grl If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. bittergaymark I like to relax at home. What about visiting your parents? It sounds codependent to me. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. 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